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it was a fine line between chasing the rush and wanting to be cocooned in comforting stillness. i wanted to run, jump, push, and move ahead constantly, yet, i also wanted to stand in place and observe the world before me and all around me, and feel it deep within my bones. my mind was a never-ending hurricane, a flurry of thoughts circling in my head at astronomical speeds. in the center of them, in the eye of the ‘storm’, was the tiniest speck of calm. but, it was hard to get to that calm when my thoughts were used to going at ninety miles per hour - and, that’s not to mention that being calm felt uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and weird. i gazed across the water and found two siren-red safety boats. one was speeding ahead, like my thoughts do almost all the time, and the other was merely floating in place, in a way i could only wish my thoughts would mirror. the first boat, the one towards the far right, left ripples of water splashing behind it as it sped across the water towards its next destination — much like i do when i overthink and fuel my own chaos. chaos isn’t always bad; sometimes chaos can be good. and while the second boat, the one that was floating placidly in place, surrounded by tranquil tides, and glistening serenely under the mid-morning sun, seemed like the ideal i was striving for, i started to realize that that wasn’t actually what i wanted.

it was the gap, the stretch of space between the two boats — that was where i now wanted to exist. i wanted to be in between my own combustion and my own halcyon.
— n.d.